


Lessons, Unlearned

by LazlosLulls



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Continuity Nods, Disassociation, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PINK STEVEN!, Hurt and comfort, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Needs A Break, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, Steven Universe Needs a Hug, Steven is so unique we don't know what he needs, Steven needs boundries and Pink WILL enforce this, Worldbuilding, does this count as DID??, literal self-care, literally arguing with yourself, long lost messages, love is difficult sometimes, love is the answer, maybe???, pink steven, pink steven is a precious bean, rose quartz tried goddammit, the prime directive is a joke, unleash the light reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22348510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LazlosLulls/pseuds/LazlosLulls
Summary: Steven goes back to Rose’s Armory for some Gem Artifacts for Little Homeschool. He finds something else as well. Distraught, he un-fuses. Steven and Pink Steven have to learn to re-harmonize…or all of their turmoil will destroy them.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe & Steven Universe
Comments: 24
Kudos: 292





	Lessons, Unlearned

**Lessons, Unlearned**

Today, Steven Quartz Universe was on a solo Gem mission. There were some artifacts hidden in Rose’s Armory that could help Little Homeworld. Because no one else could open it, it was up to him.

Garnet had been very insistent, even helping him clear his schedule. Just because he wasn’t running the school anymore, doesn’t mean he wasn’t busy.

Amethyst made him some snacks, healthy ones like fruit, jerky, fruit jerky, trail mix without chocolate chips, a bag of chocolate chips with peanut dust on them…it was the thought that counted. If he was in a better mood he’d laugh about it. For now, it just felt like she wasted her time.

Pearl made very detailed diagrams and helped him pack a bag. Even if it made him feel babied, she felt better, and that’s what mattered.

It was good to have some time for himself, Steven decided. The three-hour hike wasn’t too bad, he was able to catch up on some podcasts he’d missed out on while he was working. Then came the vertical climb. He adjusted his cheeseburger backpack, made sure it was secure. It was a little childish, but all the different pockets were practical.

The sky was ice blue and his hands were pink against the dark cliffs. They weren’t _Pink_ , pink. Just his normal, permanent shade of sunburnt. He dug his fingers into the sheer rock, pulling himself up bit by bit. The exertion made him feel a lot better.

He looked behind himself. The ground was green and far below, the other cliffs behind him. The sky was wide open, a crystal clear that stole his breath away. It hasn’t changed in all this time. He chuckled, remembering how Pearl had carried him here once. She wrapped him up in her sash like a little baby. That felt so long ago. That was before Jasper, before Homeworld, and the Diamonds.

He felt a heaviness in his Gem. Steven sighed. What was he doing, looking at the view? He was just wasting time. The other Gems needed him. He dug his climbing boots into the rock and sprang upward. The cliff rushed by underneath him. He popped up above the cliff, floating down gently.

Back to work.

Steven scanned the tree line, finding a gap. The pathway looked natural. Bismuth and a handful of others built the Armory as a secret base for the Crystal Gems. Afterwards, nature wore away the sides, softened the path until it became part of the forest.

There were a few books and internet articles about this trail. First, ancient tales of warriors, marching up and down the path. Then the monsters they turned into. Even of a lone woman, barefoot, who would sing to the people and defend them from the corrupted Gems. His favorite would have to be about aliens. Connie sent him that one.

They were probably all exaggerated, though.

At the end of the road, there was another wall of stone, with an arch carved into it. It was persistently overgrown with wildlife. Humans had given this forest protected status, in part due to the Gem monsters that were drawn to this place, and in part due to their respect of nature. An informational stand was there, with a brief description of the area, and a map to the nearest forest trails.

He looked around. No one was nearby, he didn’t hear anyone else either. He went closer to the wall, brushing aside some vines. Carved in the wall was a hand, with a star inside of it. He didn't have to reach up to hit it anymore. The archway split apart, tearing the vines and causing a storm of leaves to fall.

The Armory was still just as massive as he remembered. Steven felt his footsteps echo in the empty cavern. He walked up the stairs, into the circle. The pedestal was there, a large hand much like the door. Good thing fe's gotten much better at accessing Homeworld technology. Steven placed his hand on it, feeling a small hum go up his arm. He cleared his throat. "Steven Universe. Please show a list of current inventory."

One of the triangle etchings on the floor rose up, projecting a pink screen. It was all listed in Gem Glyph. He reached out, trying to scroll down the list. His finger passed through the screen. “Oh, it’s…not a touch screen.” He chuckled, feeling a flush of embarrassment. Right. This was older tech. Still, he was able to use the pedestal to scroll down. “There we go.” Usually, there would be a voice replying back. Maybe it broke. Or maybe it was never there to begin with. He’d have to ask Bismuth.

An alert popped up on the screen, blocking the list. He blinked. That can’t be right, so he sounded it out, just in case. “Alert: Message for: St-e-vee-nhn Yuen-i-ver-ce.” There were a few ways to spell his name, considering Universe was a noun and personal names like Steven didn’t exist in the Gem culture. When he finally decided on his official name, it didn’t look anything like that. “ _What_?” he felt a twisting in his Gem.

For a brief second, he wondered if this was another test the Gems set up, another attempt to boost his morale. His mouth tightened into a frown. He wasn’t a little kid anymore! They can’t just lead him by the nose, he was the Savior of the Galaxy!

That was why his voice absolutely not trembling when he spoke again. “Start Message.”

The answer was unexpected. And somehow, completely expected. Rose Quartz’s face came serenely through the view screen, tinted pink. “Hello, my child. Nora, or Steven, or whatever name you may choose for yourself.” Her smile grew wider, “I’m recording this a bit early, so I’m unsure on who you’ll become. This is all so exciting!” she giggled, but then sobered, “Greg had suggested, if I’m not going to be here for you in the present, I may as well be in the past.”

At the mention of his father, there was a sharp pain in his Gem. He knew so early on, but he didn’t know everything. How could this make up for her absence? They were just empty words, like those tapes! He wasn’t a human being! He wasn’t even a Gem, he’s all messed up, on the inside and out.

The message continued, “This is my training ground. Most Crystal Gems were not born to be fighters. By giving you my Gem, I wonder if any of my powers would appear within you. I can imagine Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl may have taught you some things. But they don’t know everything about my Gem.”

“Don’t I know it…” he grumbled, hand wrinkling the shirt covering his Pink Diamond.

“You may not even receive all of my powers. If you do – I’m sorry.” She looked solemn, face suddenly showing her age. “It’s a burden I never wanted for you. These powers to heal, to hurt. They are a part of both of us, they cannot be separated, no matter how much you them to be. All I can do is guide you.”

He felt a heaviness in his Gem, and a prickling wetness in his eyes. Steven brushed them away before they fell. He needed to focus.

She inhaled, warm smile smoothing her years off of her face. “When you need guidance with your powers, please ask for ‘Rose’s Lessons’. A list of videos will appear.” There was a faint growl in the background. She waved her arms, guiding someone closer, "I'll leave you another message. With a friend." A pink Lion appeared in the frame. Rose made a quick kiss to his forehead before turning back to the camera. “I hope to see you soon.”

The video turned off. He was staring at the inventory list again. He felt rooted to the floor, like he’d aged a billion years. She knew he could have her powers. She didn’t abandon him, she tried to give him advice.

"It's a little late for help..." he sniffled. So she wasn't that bad.

When...when did that happen? When did he start thinking of Mom so terribly? Steven pulled his shirt up, rubbing his Gem. The stone was warm and familiar against his hand. He used to love hearing about her. That she saved the Earth, she started the rebellion. But all of that came with so many mistakes.

Like leaving important messages that she told no one about, in a hard to reach area that also barely anyone knew about.

"Why is it, why did she have to be _my_ Mom?" He glares at the Gem, where it was there. It was always there. "I don't want to be like her, I don't want to make those mistakes, I just-grrah!" a sudden spike of pain came through his Gem.

He patted himself down, hoping to find the source. When there was nothing, not a leaf or stone or weird animal that wormed his way under his clothes, he started to worry.

Maybe it was anxiety? Or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? He's been reading up, because honestly, Gem Corruption felt a lot like it. Maybe it got to him too? It’s fine. He could get help when he needed it. He can handle this on his own.

He groaned, looking around out of habit. “Ow.” Steven said quietly, once he was sure no one was there. The cavern echoed back faintly. He could be as loud as he wanted, no one had to know. “OW.” He said again, releasing his frustration. The pain started to pulse, radiating out from his Gem.

Steven pulled his hand off the pedestal, sitting down on the ground. He shut his eyes. “Ow. Fu-fu…fudge buckets.” he sighed, he _still_ couldn’t swear. Maybe he’s not old enough. Connie told him it swearing was a release valve, like crying, or screaming. “Ow wow wow.” He sucked in a breath, hearing the echo of the cavern. Faraway drops of water made a steady background noise to his heavy breathing.

He felt like he was going to burst.

Then he was suddenly thrown backward, skidding on the platform. The pain was gone, but in its place was a bone-deep ache. His arms suddenly prickled up in the cold without his jacket. His socks got wet on the stone.

Wait. Wasn't he wearing boots? Where did his jacket go? He looked up, seeing the form across from him. “Oh no.” he said.

This happened before. He…didn’t want to think about it too much, so he’d just given his Gem half the name Pink Steven. Because he was Pink, and he was also Steven, too. Like he is…was? Was he just…half Steven, now? Human Steven? And he thought he was over his identity issues…

Pink Steven was kneeling, swaying unsteadily. His face was pale white, features obscured by the slight glow of his form. His clothes were tinted pink, aside from the practical brown boots on his feet. The letterman jacket matched his hair perfectly.

A quick laugh escaped Steven’s lips. Connie will be so happy she was right.

His mood suddenly soured. Of course this would happen! Just when he was getting a handle on everything, he had to go screw it up! “Of all of the _stupid_ things to happen to me! Losing my _freaking_ Gem?” tears and snot flowed freely down his face. He smacked his hand against the floor.

Pink Steven reacted, looking down at him. “Where is it?” Pink said, completely calm. His voice echoed in the cavern.

Steven burned, exasperated, “You’re _it_ , genius!” he rubbed his nose, getting his forearm covered in snot. He started to move forward, but his hands were shaking too much to hold him up. Steven growled at his Gem half in frustration.

Pink Steven tilted his head, then walked forward, with purpose.

Memories flashed in his human head. Booming shouts, with no emotion or mercy, Pink was just there, an unstoppable force. If he feels as half as bad as Steven does-

This place is gonna cave in.

“No!” Steven gasped. He tried to stand up, legs feeling like jelly. It was no use, he was so tired. He kept his eyes on Pink, shuffling backward. "No, oh no no no." Tears kept falling, blurring his vision. Did Pink just…stop and look behind himself? What was that about? This was too much, too confusing.

Steven reached the edge of the stone, but Pink still walked forward. "What?” he shouted, thrilled when his Gem half stopped. “Aren't you going to yell too? You hurt my family last time! There's no one here but us!" If he was going to hurt him…just let him do it. He can’t make his shield anyway. He shut his eyes, curling in on himself.

There was just a soft touch on his shoulder. Light, and barely warm, humming like a lightning bug. Steven opened his eyes.

Pink was there, face still blank, kneeling next to him. His voice was stern, but confused. "You are hurt...where is it?"

"Where is what?" Steven asked.

Pink’s face started to work, eyebrows coming down in a serious manner. "The threat."

Steven’s heart jumped into his throat. "No!” he waved his hands, “There's no one to fight anymore! That's the whole _point_." He shook, thoughts bouncing around in his skull. “Are you here to… _protect_ me?”

The teen finally looked closer at the Gem, who paused before smiling. “Yes.” His teeth were unnaturally straight. His chest did not rise with his non-existent lungs. His eyes were blank, no pupils to speak of.

The effect Pink had, of a doll without all of the details, was unnerving, “Oookay…” Steven finally said. So he won’t destroy everything. Good to know.

Pink looked him up and down. “You are tired." He stepped away, opening up their backpack and pulling out a sleeping bag. He unzipped it all the way, laying it open like a blanket. He even fluffed the cheeseburger backpack as a pillow before turning back to him. “You need rest. Please get in.”

"I'm not a kid." Steven bit out. But he knew it was better than stone. He still couldn’t stand upright, limbs shaking. Pink was right by his side, steadying him. “Woah.”

Pink Steven hummed, picking him up easily. The blank face suddenly had a comforting smile. He lifted Steven like he was precious and laid him on the bag softly. For good measure, Pink zipped him up and kissed his forehead. The faint buzz of his Gem form left a strange feeling on his skin.

Great. Pink’s doing his caretaking job better than he ever could. Steven sighed. "Okay. Now what?"

Pink sat next to Steven, cross-legged and staring down. He really took after Pearl, didn’t he? "You rest." Pink said.

Easy for him to say. His limbs ached, like the worst of his growing pains. All these questions were knocking around in his head. "But how did this happen? How are you here? I didn't pull out my Gem, we just _burst_ apart! Like we were…were…”

"A Fusion.” Pink finished for him, “Fusions don't stay together if they're unstable." He replied calmly.

A terror gripped his heart. Tears came back to his face, throat constricting his voice to a pained cry, "Am I gonna almost die like last time?" Steven wrenched his arms out of the bag, grabbing onto Pink Steven’s hands. They felt like pulsing stone, buzzing slightly as he clutched back.

Pink remembered to put on a thinking face. Then an angry one. "White Diamond dropped you from a substantial height. Humans have a hard time surviving that.” He turned back to Steven, face blank. “You are fine. Just tired." He smiled again, patting his human half’s hands.

No, this was still so wrong, and weird, that he was talking to himself. He had to bring in someone else, it was becoming too much. “You should leave me to get help.” Pink probably didn’t appreciate emotion, just facts. Steven pointed to his face, with his teary eyes and dripping nose. “I’m gross.”

Pink’s smile dropped. Then he opened his jacket, grabbing a handkerchief from his inner pocket. “Here.” He smushed it against Steven’s face.

“Mmpfft!” he flailed his arms, grabbing Pink’s hand. “Okay, I got this!” he took the hankie, gently dabbing his eyes and blowing his nose. When he opened his eyes again, Pink had brought something to his face. It was a juice box, the Durian flavor that he liked as a kid. “What.” Steven said as he folded the handkerchief.

The Gem half blinked. “We climbed a mountain today. You don’t have access to our Gem. You need to take energy from food.”

Steven groaned, “Fine.” Pink placed the juice box in his hand. With a little work, he was able to open the straw and start drinking. Within a few moments, Steven felt better. This wasn’t so bad, they could handle being separate for a little bit. Pink gave him the trail mix to eat as well.

Pink had also found the chocolate chips Amethyst ‘made’. He started to copy Steven, picking up the candy and putting it in his mouth. Then he frowned. “I can’t taste this.” Pink moved, finding the chocolate he ‘ate’ was on the ground. “We’re incomplete.”

Steven picked up the chocolate, considering it for a moment before putting it in the trash pile. “I know, I feel it too. We should be whole. You said you were looking for a threat. What did you mean by that?”

“You were…hurt?” Pink even looked confused at that. “Our heart…beat fast. Our muscles froze up. The shield, the bubble, the strength. They're all to protect you. Those things can’t fix that."

“So what you’re saying is…” Steven thought aloud, “Just thinking about Mom…it’s like an attack?”

Pink nodded.

“Well, yeah!” he shouted, and his Gem half blinked. “Every time I learn something new about my Mom it’s just something horrible! Or it upsets everyone.” Steven looked down, wrapping his hands around himself. “Now that I know she wasn’t all bad, it’s so confusing? Do I tell the Gems? I don’t want to burden them or make them upset anymore.”

Pink shook his head, pointing at Steven’s chest. “You. It upsets you.” The Gem stuck his hands in his jacket pockets. “I don’t…know how to fix that.” He looked down, as if ashamed.

“What.” That’s not right. “I don’t get upset. I’m always okay. I have to be.”

“You are not.” Pink shook his head. “You do things for everyone. You smile for everyone. You don’t do anything just for yourself anymore.”

How…how could he not know? They were fused for his entire life, Pink should know about this better than anyone. "Why should I? As soon as I relax, something is going to happen.” He listed off a few things on his fingers, “Like the Cluster could wake up and want to form again, or The Diamonds could really mess up Spinel, or even Hessonite could come back with George!” he cast his arms up in the air.

Pink’s brows came together. “So you don’t let yourself relax?”

“I don’t want to be caught off guard anymore.” Steven squished the sleeping bag in his fingers. Memories flashed in his head, of Lapis and the barn, turning himself in for the Trial, Fusing at the Diamond’s ball, “I don’t want to make any more mistakes like I already have.”

“We don’t have to be a perfect Steven. That’s what Dad told us. That’s what Mom told Nora. They just wants us to be us.” Pink paused, looking at him. “I love you. I want you to be safe and cared for." The Gem held its hands to his chest.

So Pink is just…love. That makes sense, in a way. "That's it? I'm just here to love and take care of other people?" that wasn’t a terrible purpose, to be honest. Dedicating his life to others…he knew that came with drawbacks.

Pink frowned, pointing at his chest and then back to Steven. "No. _I_ love _you_. Us. Every moment you love yourself, that’s me and you, together.”

His words were like a physical blow. Steven reeled in confusion. "Wait-I'm just supposed to love _me_? What does that even _mean_?" Tears started to well in his eyes.

The Gem came closer, holding Steven’s hands. His face had a kind smile. "It means you should be treating yourself better. You are only human. You can have some fun. You can be gross.” He reached up, pressing his hands to Steven’s cheeks. His glowing thumbs brushed away his tears. “No matter how many mistakes you make, you deserve love.”

Steven reached up, taking Pink’s hands away. He held them in his lap. Wetness still dripped down into their cupped hands, and he looked at them. "That's way too simple." He didn’t want to see Pink’s reaction.

He felt a forehead press against his own. "Sometimes it is that simple. The hard part is doing it every day. That’s why I’m here.”

Another wave of tears came, and he grabbed tight onto Pink, burying his head in his shoulder. The Gem had copied him, holding him close. “Thank you.” He felt the buzzing around him, a warmth creeping into his body and soul.

When his breathing evened out, he felt Pink humming a tune. This was nice, but it wasn’t right. "We need to fix this." Thanks to Pink’s aid, Steven was able to stand up on his own feet. "She had to have known we might split apart one day." He walked over and slapped his hand down on the pedestal. The faint pulse didn’t make its way up his arm. Oh. Right. "Uhh…Pink?”

His Gem half, who was trailing behind with a worried expression, suddenly beamed. "You need help!"

"Yes. I do need help." It didn’t hurt as much to say as he thought it would.

Pink gently laid his hand over Steven’s. “Rose’s Lessons.” Pink spoke into the air. The list came up immediately.

Huh. They were written with English lettering, this time. He started reading off the list, “Shield, Gem bubbling, healing tears, Lion’s storage, floating, _juggling, what_?” he had to snort, “Plant control, oof. She can’t have known I could do that to Lars.” He sucked in a breath. “and. Sonic Shouting.”

There was an echo in his ears, a memory too real he could never forget it. Him, but not him, his Gem half, yelling at White Diamond. Creating massive shockwaves that broke her ship and hurt his family. Just recently, at the Reef with Pearl and Volleyball. Tapping into that massive power, shattering the floor and walls with his frustration.

Pearl said Rose Quartz had never yelled like that.

Steven looked at his other half. They nodded together.

Rose looked different, further along in her pregnancy. “Hello, Steven.” Her smile was weak. "I've been putting it off. Maybe by overwriting the Gem to create you, this power would never appear.” She gazed down, rubbing her Gem the same way he did. She looked up again, steel in her eyes. “But I don't want to rely on luck. I wasn’t always who they say I was.” Her eyes shifted downward, in a flash of guilt. “There are some things about myself I’ve hidden away to protect everyone.”

Pink made a sympathetic “Aww,” noise.

“Yeah, no kidding.” Steven scoffed.

She shook her head, and a diagram appeared on the screen. A pink Gem form, then shockwaves surrounded it. The floor became cracked, every other Gem form in the diagram poofed.

"These screams are nearly uncontrollable, damaging the environment in a circular radius around you. They can even damage a Gem that is standing too close. In some cases, permanently." She pauses for a moment, and he knows she’s thinking about Volleyball. “These shouts are caused by many different emotions. Pain, frustration, helplessness. Your reasons may be different than the reasons I had. I hope that you never feel the way I felt while on Homeworld. I know it’s not your fault you have these powers. But it’s your responsibility to control them, to make sure no one is hurt.”

A map appeared on the screen, with a Warp Pad and a trail outward. “Here is a safe area to practice. Not many humans or animals can survive there for long. Bring plenty of water and be safe.”

The desert where he met Lion. “That’s…where her landfill is.” Where she left Pink Diamond’s ship. Everything wrong about her past. She was leading him to it.

“When you are there, I want you to reflect. Identify what causes these feelings, what doesn’t, what you can control about them. It will take time. It took me years to understand why I did them, and years after that to control them completely.”

She turned around, pointing out a stalagmite in the background. “Look at that rock. It was built up from thousands and thousands of water drops filled with minerals. Over thousands and thousands of years.” She sighed, bringing her face back onto the camera. “This power, it took time to build within me, and within you.” She shook her head. “The control over it, it takes even more time.”

Rose winced, sitting down. Her hand was on her belly, and he could see it move. The baby was kicking. Steven felt a strange, mixed-up feeling in his chest. Pride and sorrow and joy for Rose, for himself. It was remarkable.

“I know this probably isn’t the answer you were waiting for. I know Earth moves fast, I know you think you should be able to control it, once you discover it.” She sat up, “If you think you will hurt them, if you have hurt them…they don't hate you. Don’t hide for too long. Take your moment to rest, but come out, grow better than before. We all love you, Steven.”

The screen clicked off. He could hear his own sniffling and Pink’s too in the background. His eyes were blurring again with tears. He let them fall, before turning to his Gem half.

"Okay." He inhaled, "I lost track of it, but we can get back on track. I just need to give myself time. Yeah." He put a hand on Pink's shoulder.

The Gem blinked, tilting his head in an unspoken question.

Steven took a deep breath in. He grabbed Pink’s free hand, smiling when the Gem looked down at their fingers. "I love you."

Pink’s head shot up, grinning from ear to ear. "I love you too!" the Gem took his other hand, gently pulling him into a dance. It was simple, just swaying with each other in an easy rhythm.

Steven started to feel a competitive streak, "Well, I love you _more_!" He started to laugh as Pink put his feet under his own, helping him dance.

"I love you more than the Earth!" Pink said, lifting their feet up.

Steven saw the caverns twirling behind them, making him laugh even louder, "I love you more than the whole galaxy!"

They hugged each other glowing in light and love. They fused, becoming more than their parts, becoming complete. He sang out into the cavern, "I love me more than the entire universe!" The cavern echoed, bringing his love back to him.

Steven lifted his shirt up, rubbing his Gem tenderly. “Thanks a lot, Mom.” He whispered. Then he jumped up high in the air, floating back down softly. “Al _right_ , let’s get this stuff to Pearl, then I’ve got the whole day off. What do I want to do first?”

He bustled around, and the cave continued to echo around him. Steven thought about what Rose said. Little by little, bit by bit, this place would grow into something different.

Isn’t that wonderful?

**Notes:**

I should have just called this “Steven says ‘What’ in various tones of voice: The Fic.”. Another potential title was Lion Five: Special Features.

Pink is a reaction to Steven’s trauma and a way for him to enforce his boundaries. Pink Steven is his self-love. Human Steven is the love and duty for others. It's like a reversal on the emotionless Gem + emotional human, Pink got the soft "positive" emotions and Steven got the harsh "negative" ones.

Anyway this is ABSOLUTELY Not gonna be what happens in canon. Steven isn’t going to fix this by himself, he’s gotta get other to help him. This idea just bit me and I had to go for it. Rebecca and the Crewniverse were moving too slow so I had to help the baby boy. I crave that sweet catharsis.

IT’S BEEN A YEAR SINCE CHANGE YOUR MIND AIRED, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PINK STEVEN!

Thanks for reading!


End file.
